Married At First Sight bride confronts sleazy groom
IT'S the day after that explosive boys' night on Married At First Sight, and everyone's got a bit of an emotional/actual hangover. They're all preparing to host their in-laws, but first there are a few leftover emotions to deal with.
To refresh your memory: during the last episode, Andrew trashed his bride Cheryl behind her back before getting sleazy about her boobs, and Anthony called Nadia "frigid." Twice.
One person who's really not in the mood to let it go is farmer Sean, who was thoroughly appalled by the whole foul display.
He's done some soul-searching and after talking to his wife, decided he needs to take action.
"I find it quite disappointing the way they [the guys] were speaking about Cheryl and just degrading her," he explains.
"I was quite pissed off. I woke up this morning and spoke to Susan and thought it best to let Cheryl know."
(God, I am shipping this couple so hard.)
"It was just a 'bag out Cheryl' session and it was all about you all night and it was just crap. It was disgusting the way that they were carrying on," Sean tells Cheryl over coffee.
Cheryl would look absolutely furious if she had the ability to move her facial muscles, but luckily we know she's mad because she says so.
The big showdown between her and Andrew finally happens in front of psychologist John Aiken, who plays dumb and innocently questions them on their respective guys' and girls' nights.
"I did overhear there were a few things at the boys night that were said," Cheryl tells John and Andrew.
"A couple got upset and said to me it was disgusting, he didn't really go into detail, he said 'you'll find out anyway.'"
Our new villain Andrew decides to play the "drunk" card, as though he's 18 and had too many UDLs at a house party.
"The night's a bit hazy, we were drinking a fair bit ... I honestly can't remember," he panics.
"I talk a lot, I ramble, I'm a joker. If I said anything it would have been me joking around."
Later, he tells the camera in private: "I don't think Cheryl has the right to be upset yet until she knows exactly what was said."
You're right, Andrew. She'll be so much angrier once she actually sees the footage.
John Aiken sentences them to a relationship bootcamp and Andrew makes another effort to attract votes for his 'Worst Person On The Show' campaign by again loading all the blame onto Cheryl.
"Maybe this will help her open up," he tells us, before agreeing to move back into their shared apartment in a tone that implies he'd actually rather be dead.
For reasons that absolutely must be related to Andrew's earth-shattering fear of Cheryl's angry Scottish dad, the couple is strangely exempt from hanging out with each other's families this week like everyone else has to.
Instead, they head off to an awkward lunch where they joke about how they used to like each other and my GOD I just want to hit the eject button.
Across town, Anthony and his so-called "frigid" bride Nadia are hanging out with her sister and his parents.
Look, Anthony. It's no secret you're the original villain and we don't like you so much.
But everyone loves a redemption - so let's give it a shot, 'kay?
The couple is asked by Nadia's sister if they've had any doubts about their relationship, in a tone that implies Nadia's sister absolutely has doubts about their relationship.
Nadia explains sweetly that they have "a really nice synergy and connection" before being cut off by Anthony.
"Nah, there's been moments where we've both questioned it," he says bluntly
Maybe he doesn't mean it like it sounds.
"She mentioned a few times that I didn't choose her - all girls want to be chosen and desired," Anthony continues.
"I described it as asking Santa Claus for a bike and getting a skateboard."
He later tries to explain he actually prefers skateboards to bikes but just FORGET it, pal.
Nadia's sister feels the same.
"Nadia and I have different kind of taste in guys ... so I probably need to spend a little more time with him ... You know what I'm getting at here," she says cryptically.
Over at Andy and Vanessa's apartment, we discover what Andy lacks in conversational skills, his mum makes up for in shady side-eyes.
When Vanessa admits she's not so great at cooking, Andy's mum's face pinches together as though she just announced she'd vote for Trump.
"I don't like to judge somebody straight away," she says, while preparing to judge somebody straight away.
"But I did say at the start I hope Andy finds someone who's a good cook ... not a career woman."
Vanessa - I'd be picking up the nearest Donna Hay.
Now, I've said this before and I'll say it again: the happily loved-up couples aren't getting much of a mention here because it's smooth sailing and ain't nobody got time for that.
So I'll just do a quick whip-around:
Alene and Simon - making goo-goo eyes at each other in front of their well-matched families.
Nick and Sharon - making goo-goo eyes at each other in front of their well-matched families.
However, one pair that just will not stop flogging a dead horse is Michelle and Jesse, who have the chemistry of two pebbles.
Michelle reminds us they "have an amazing friendship" and that she still can't seem to muster up a modicum of attraction to him - even after six weeks of being together literally every single day.
(For the record, I still blame Jesse's open-door number two.)
At dinner, Jesse's stepdad watches them together for approximately 25 seconds before deciding to put them both out of their misery and declare they're in the friendzone.
Jesse: listen to your stepfather.
Meanwhile, Susan and Sean have decided to hold their gathering at an equestrian-themed restaurant because - and I'm not sure if this has come up yet - but Sean really, really likes horses.
Before everyone turns up, Susan explains why she's looking forward to the occasion.
"Being around some of Sean's family and my friends might give us a bit of an opportunity for both of us to think about any possibilities for this to work."
Translation: Hopefully they'll convince Sean to pack his things and move to the big smoke.
Honestly, they're the hot favourites on this show and their love is pure as the sea, but this ongoing whining about the long-distance issue is wearing super thin.
They sent a man to the moon and you can't work out which Aussie town to shack up in? Buy a paddock for Sean next to a few shops for Susan and let's call it a day.
Married At First Sight continues 7.30pm Tuesday on Channel Nine.
To continue the conversation or for more basic solutions to complex issues, tweet me @brontecoy.